Advice for women on avoiding dangerous men

A friend of mine had a terrible childhood - devoid of the love, care and
respect ever child deserves.  She was belittled and made to feel
worthless by both her parents.  As an adult, for many years, she chose
men who turned out to be bad.  These men neglected, abused and
assaulted her and her children.

The capacity of humans to perpetrate such crimes is chilling and raises
questions about human nature which are not easily answered.  Here, we
are not attempting to understand why some men (and for that matter,
some women) are unspeakably cruel and destructive.  The aim is to help
women avoid the mistakes my friend and so many others made when
choosing a man and falling in love.

My friend has fought her way through immense difficulties, starting with
her cruel family.  She has rejected the bitterness, depression and
desperation which her experiences naturally led her to.  With her faith
in God and her passion for warmth, generosity and a better life, she has
risen above the tragedy, attacks and injuries to become a wonderful
communicative, sensual, playful, supportive, loving woman.

Here is her advice, followed by a some more words from me.  She
wrote it whilst cooking dinner.  I have fixed the spelling and punctuation
and laid it out in point form.
 

  - Mr Fondman

                  - - - o o o O O O o o o - - -
 

Hi Mr Fondman,

Well, I will do the best I can.  But I will say I have been told many
times by others mostly - my family - that it was all my fault for what
happened to me and my kids and that I should have seen it. I don't think
it is fair to put such guilt on someone. I had no idea all this would
happen.  Only a fool would marry someone if they knew what would
and could happen.

I will also say a lot of these kinds of men keep that part of themselves
well hidden. They aren't going to show you that side of themselves.
Why would they?  You wouldn't stay with them and they know it.

Here goes,

If you know you are prone to picking up an abusive man and find the
need for a strong man or like the idea of spanking in a relationship, then
follow this all the closer because you are at a higher risk of falling
for the wrong kind of man.  And if you  have low self-esteem, all the
more reason to be careful.
 

Step 1 - Yourself

     The most important in this: Work on you.  Don't get involved with
     anyone till this has been done.  Find out where all this is coming
     from.  Why your self-esteem is down why you tend to pick this kind
     of man. Childhood is the first place to start. And go from there.

     After a lot of self examination, now comes the work.

     Start working on the self-esteem.  Start telling yourself you are a
     good person and that you deserve to be loved and cared for.  That
     you are worth something.

     Find all the good in you.  Write a list of the wonderful qualities
     you have.  Read them over and over.

     Also work on self image.  Every day look in the mirror and tell
     yourself out loud that you are beautiful just the way you are.  The
     short-comings you think you see are just the beautiful things God
     gave you that make you You!

     This may take a while because you wont believe it at first. But
     don't give up - it will work.

     Now that you're ready here is #2
 

Step 2 - The three lists

     Make your lists.

     List 1

         The first list is of the things that are the most important to
         you in a mate - the ones you will not and can not live without.
 

     List 2

         The second list is the things you would like to have in a mate
         but could live without if needed.
 

     List 3

         The third list is the things you will in no way have in a
         partner or in your relationship.
 

Step 3 - Follow the lists and be on guard

     Now make a vow to yourself no matter what you will not stray from
     these lists; that you will not accept any second-best; that you
     will keep your eyes and ears open at all times.  You will not let
     your guard down - to keep watching for signs.

     The Signs:

         Does he get jealous easily?

         Does he come across controlling and demanding?

         How does he act when he is angry and upset?

         Is he sensitive to other's feelings and yours?

         How does he treat his friends, family, kids and his mother?

         What was his relationship with his mother like as a child?

         Was there abuse of any kind in his life?

         Let him talk about past girlfriends and wives.  This will tell
         you a lot.

    And remember he may say "I did that then but I would never do it
    now".  WRONG! unless he has had counselling or other major work
    done in this life to bring the changes needed.  If he did it once, he can
    and may do it again.  And remember that his wife or girlfriend may
    have not been like you but that doesn't mean he will not treat you
    the same.
 

Step 4 - Listen to yourself

    Women have that natural red flag that will go up. Listen to it.
    Don't make excuses as to why he might be this way or that he will
    change.  HE WON'T.  It will only get worse. Listen to your gut
    feeling - it is your mind warning you something's not right here.

    Don't stay because you are lonely or because you said you would
    commit to this man and feel bad about changing your mind.

    You are worth more then that.  Go back and remember your
    commitment to yourself.

    Your life and happiness is too important for the small happiness
    you may bring to him. And remember YOU DESERVE BETTER!
 

Well I hope this helps, lot s  of  bad typing sorry. in a hurry making
big dinner. let me know what you think.
 

Talking to my daughter has gotten her out of a relationship that was bad
for her. And he had just given her a diamond ring.

Oh that reminds me.

You owe it to him to to be honest and not accept a relationship that
will make you both unhappy - and any kids that might come along the way.
 

  bye for now,
 

                  - - - o o o O O O o o o - - -
 

To this excellent advice, I will add a few points:

Different forms of "strength"

I believe that many or most women have biological reasons for choosing a
"strong" mate.  The only way our ancestral grandmothers survived was to
be protected against the attacking, marauding men of other tribes - and
this was best accomplished by choosing an equally brutally strong and
aggressive man as the father and protector of their children.

Fortunately, these days we face minimal danger from a tribe of warriors
bent on rape, murder and pillage in a pre-dawn attack!

While women may feel safe and sexually aroused in the company of a man
who is willing and able to fight and win against other people, including
men who are aggressive and intimidating, most women don't need such
men any more - and this attraction can lead to tragically wrong choices.

I see a pattern in some women in their twenties - when they get serious
about *men* and stop mucking around with boys.  It is as if they say to
themselves "I will find the biggest, strongest, richest, most dangerous
brute I can and then make him fall in love with me alone!"  This is a
princess fantasy - where the man grabs all the resources he can for
himself, the woman and her children - and repulses or kills anyone who
threatens them.

Of course, women want their man to be tender to them and their children
too - and not such a rogue or social misfit as to create trouble in the
tribe.   Furthermore, in recent years women have been encouraged to
seek sensitivity and perhaps docility in men.  So there are complex and
conflicting influences on women's choice of men - far too many to
discuss here.

There is a huge difference between an unstable, selfish, manipulative,
threatening man and one whose emotional, mental and physical strengths
are stable, principled and dedicated to happiness and harmony.

A clear distinction needs to be made between two types of men - the
authoritarian (domineering) and the authoritative.  Ladies: the authoritative
type is the one you really want!

See the extract here from Victoria Secunda's book Women and their
Fathers for the distinction between these types of father.
 

Fathers and mothers

As Victoria Secunda points out, a woman's relationship with her father
often forms the prototype for her relationship with her loving partner.
Women whose fathers were loving, supportive and provided a strong,
clear, framework for them to live as children and develop into
independent, healthy adults are more likely to choose a good man for
their partner.

A woman whose first experience of men - her father - was
dysfunctional or abusive is at great risk of picking the same type of
man as a lover.  Alternatively, she may pick an excellent man, but at
times fall back into childhood patterns of lonely, self-defensive,
aggressive distrust for the one most important man in her life.
 

There is powerful logic in the woman being attracted to a man who
resembles her father.  The fact that she is an adult ready to reproduce
proves that her parents were successful - they overcome all the social,
physical and disease-related challenges to survival in the environment
in which she lives, to produce her, a fertile, healthy young woman.
So if she chooses a man like her father, there's a good chance that she
will survive and be reproductively successful too.

But evolution only works on reproductive success.  We are aiming for
happiness.  Now we can aim higher and leave brutishness in the dustbin
of history!

How does your potential mate relate to his father?  If his father was
absent or weak - then your potential mate has not learnt from his own
family how to be a good loving man and father himself.  If his father
was an authoritarian or a bully - then this man has to develop his own
sense of manliness and reject the prototype he grew up with.   If your
potential mate has excellent, strong, principled, authoritative loving
parents - then this is a very good start.

Likewise the man's relationship with is mother is likely to provide a
prototype - the habits and expectations - for his relationship with the
woman he chooses as a lifelong partner.  My friend wrote:

I did want to say that the mother of the man is very important
because the way he treats his mom and views her will affect
you. And how his mother treated him also is so important.
Just like a daughter and her father, it is the same with the son
and his mother.

"Pleasure centres"

There is a personality quality or a distinctive element of character
which I think is worth considering when choosing a mate.  I don't know
that this quality has a name or has been formally studied - but I think
it is one of the most fundamental, important and perhaps unchangeable
aspects of a person's character:

Where do they take their pleasure?

Some people can only enjoy things which happen directly to them - things
they feel, items they own, social status of their own.  The cannot, or
do not, take pleasure in other people's happiness, pleasure or
achievements.

(Some people are worse than ambivalent about other people's pleasure.
They believe life is a zero-sum game, so they think that the only way
they can gain something is if someone else loses it.)

Other people really enjoy and appreciate the health, happiness, pleasure
and so on of other people - and indeed of non-human animals and
probably insect, fishes, plants and perhaps far flung inanimate objects
such as pebbles, moons, asteroids and galaxies!

A person who has many, widespread, potential "pleasure centres" is going
to be a happier person!   They will also be more motivated to help other
people, to share resources and experiences with them and so forth.

They will be more prone to generating happiness and protecting others
from harm - by doing things which benefit others because they enjoy the
results.

There are some bitterly selfish people in this world.  Perhaps they have
a nasty streak or perhaps they can only gain pleasure from things which
happen to themselves.  This is not the sort of man you want as a lover
or as a father for your children!

As my friend noted, there is grave danger in thinking of making this
poor, sad, man love you and so helping him flower and be happy.  (Many
women have a weak-spot for perceived victims - and may devote their
energies to nursing a "wounded-eagle" of a man.  It is laudable in
principle - but if the man can never be a healthy, generous, strong and
principled man, then he will never be a good partner.)

There are certainly men who have suffered trauma from their family, from
war, from crimes against them and from abuse by a previous woman
partner.  Such men deserve support and need extra care.  But if they
don't have it within them to take pleasure in other people's pleasure -
in particular in their contribution to other people's lives - then what
hope is them for being really happy and being a good partner?

This raises the question of how fixed this personality quality is.  I expect
it is relatively fixed, but not absolutely unchangeable.  People can make
conscious choices to reverse past patterns of behaviour and thinking.  A
person who was previously short-sighted, selfish and destructive can get
wise and change themselves for the better.  As a mother of your future
children, you need to see real, substantial, positive change in someone
with a bad history before considering him as a potential father for your
brood.
 

Men who have been traumatised

Some men have been traumatised by women partners, emotionally,
physically, financially and in terms of their custody of and relationship
with their children.  The courts and wider society may be complicit in
this traumatisation and destruction of what should have been a good life.
Such men may become angry, bitter and twisted - at least in respect of
women.  Such a man may find it hard to trust a woman, and he may be
extremely fearful of repetitions of the abandonment, manipulation,
combativeness etc. which destroyed his previous relationship.

A bad, selfish man is unlikely to be one who suffers repeated emotional
and physical attacks from a woman partner.   Men who put up with this,
for a while at least, are likely to be sensitive and caring for the
woman - or persist in the relationship because of children.  If the
woman raises her "Test-the-man's-resolve" activities to higher and
higher levels and the man does not respond decisively (most sensitive
men do not know they should put a stop to this rot ASAP, including with
spanking), her attacks can reach World War III proportions and be
extremely damaging to the man's health and his outlook.  Unfortunately,
such men may carry distrustful, combative habits from the bad
relationship into a relationship with a good woman. If such a man is
confused about his masculinity and who he should be (as many are these
days), financially insecure (who isn't?), if they are drinking lots of
coffee and/or smoking pot (both these are addictive and can cause
paranoia and psychosis), grieving over losing custody of his child with
the erratic ex-partner and especially if his own family is not
supportive - then this could still be a very fine man, but there is much
healing work to be done.

Perhaps a saint takes such pleasure in other people's lives that he or
she will sacrifice much of their own life to enhance other lives.  Most
men and women are not saints - and a saint isn't necessarily a good
lover.

For sanity and health, there needs to be some kind of "horizon" to a
person's desire to help others - rather than giving gifts to every needy
cause in the world.  The person should look after themselves first of
all - keep themselves healthy and happy for themselves, so as not to be
a burden on others and to maximise their capacity for sharing and
contributing to other people's lives. In a loving relationship, a man
has special responsibilities to his woman and children - so he will
focus his energies on them (while a saint might be giving most of his
money to starving children in another country).

Some truly narrow, selfish people are also intelligent and charming.
They can be good actors and uncanny manipulators.  They can pretend to
be generous and gregarious.  When the crunch comes, it will be too late
to change things, but you will know that they are really selfish or
incapable of taking pleasure in other people's happiness.

Since many women are apparently attracted to the man who promises to
fight the entire world for just his own good and for the good of his
partner - there is a real danger of picking a man who has a selfish
streak.

He may pretend or even believe that you, his beloved woman, will be an
equal beneficiary of his "selfish" ways - but a selfish person is a
selfish person, and sooner or later you will find that when his
interests diverge from yours (as they will when another woman comes
along) that he treats you with the same contempt he reserves for all his
other enemies.
 

Communication

Many men find it difficult or impossible to discuss close personal
matters.

This does not mean they are insensitive, that they don't feel or that they
don't care.

If a man is quiet and shy about admitting weaknesses and problems - this
indicates you need special patience and care with him.  It does not
indicate he is unsocial, anti-social or cold.

There is scope for improvement - but I believe there are fundamental
biological, evolutionary-based reasons why men are often less able to
discuss personal matters, weaknesses and fears than are women.

Please do your best to bring your man out of his shell.  Trust him and
give him every reason to trust you.  But it may not be possible for him
to be as talkative and personally communicative as many women are.
 

Sensuality

Perhaps my research methodology is biased, but I find that the
brightest, most generous, most wonderful women are also the most sensual
and have lively imaginations when it comes to aesthetics, the sexual,
the playful and the fantastic.   Many of them say it is very hard to
find men with these qualities.

I believe there are evolutionary and social reasons why men are less
likely to be playful, sensual and communicative - but those selection
pressures are history now, so I urge you to do your best to find a
sociable, relaxed, sensual, playful and generous man.  (Of course, he
can still be emotionally, mentally and physically strong - and spank
like the blazes!)

For now, here is my final word of advice for now to women contemplating
a man as a loving partner and father for her children:
 

  Be sure to choose a man who delights in brushing your hair!

- Mr Fondman