Re: Book: "The Surrendered Wife"

Fondly and Firmly - the Gentlemanly Art of Spanking the Woman you Love
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Fri, 18 Feb 2000

Critique of a book which tells women to act dumb so they will be able to respect their husbands.

Mr Fondman 7 October 2000
This is an edited version of something I contributed to the 1HouseholdDiscipline discussion list.

The list's homepage is here: 1hd/ .

© 1999 to 2000. Let me know if you would like to quote from this or if you can suggest any improvements.

The Surrendered Wife site is http://www.surrenderedwife.com .

Vicki bravely started reading the first chapter of "The Surrendered Wife", which I had not done . . . . I am supposed to be working . . . . But sure enough, this is bad advice for dummies. Or maybe good, simple advice for dummies who can't handle anything more demanding, and are lucky enough to be married to a basically pleasant person. This is paragraph 3 of the first chapter: In marriage, however, as in nature, water seeks its own level. We marry men who match us, and therefore deserve our respect. Respecting your husband means refraining from comment no matter how much you disapprove of the way he loads the dishwasher. Respect means that when he takes the wrong freeway exit, you don?t correct him by telling him where to turn. It means that if he keeps going in the wrong direction, you will go past state lines and still not correct or try to change what he?s doing, unless it hurts you physically or spiritually. In fact, no matter what your husband does, you will not try to teach, improve or correct him. That is the essence of a surrendered wife. Holly shit!!!! Complete lack of critical thinking and intelligence, and complete acceptance of all the man's failings, even wallowing in them . . . . all this is then sold to the reader as the highest form of respect? This is worse than being an empty head. It is for the detergent-for-brains crowd! It is frightening to think how civilisation has allowed people to survive when they are so utterly lacking in the vision and intelligence our ancestors must have had to survive and prosper in the terribly demanding hunter-gather lifestyle. Respect your husband as he nods off, or is distracted by some short-skirted female (or other major traffic hazard) and the car crosses over to the wrong side of the . . . Actually, that is covered by her caution about causing damage. If the first page is anything to go by, this book must he the pits. That it works for some women is a stroke of luck - their men must be something less than complete disasters. But such an uncritical sort of "respect" could not possibly be taken seriously by any intelligent, principled man or woman. Apparently this works for some couples. Without reading further, I think it is for dumb couples who are fortunate enough not to be actively, destructively, dangerously stupid. A woman wouldn't need this extreme level of non-critical thinking if her man has any substance and principles. He wouldn't accept this fawning "respect" if he had any. She wouldn't accept this thinking if she had any intelligence or self-respect. It wouldn't work if either the man or the woman was genuinely dangerous or nasty - other than the womanly "demons" or "imps" which the book seeks to tame. I don't feel like reading any more at present, but I think it may be a godsend for nice, gutless couples who can't think for themselves and who basically get on well, appart from the sniping which the book seeks to halt. The article in today's Age (by Charles Laurence, of the UK Telegraph) stated: "The scene is not all you might expect of the self-improvement culture of California. For a start, Laura and her friend Christine are California blondes, but of the type you would see at the drive-through McDonalds rather than leaping about in the gym. Laura makes mint tea, then wolfs down a mid-morning snack of breakfast cereal. No one learnt their wisdom at university or medical school. The husbands they talk of are technicians, plumbers and car mechanics. The Surrendered Wives come from neat rows of bungalows, car-ports and shopping malls. . . . I stopped reading at para 7: "Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not saying it." I can just see it now, being flogged on stalls in shopping malls here too. I am concerned that it will falsely be associated with Domestic Discipline and so give DD a bad name. "The Surrendered Wife is a practical and valuable tool for women wanting to regain intimacy in their relationships." - John Gray, Author Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus I have never read Venus and Mars. Gray's recommendation is clearly invalid, since while it may be true for some couples, it is utterly false for many more. - Mr Fondman