From:  The person later known as Mr Fondman
Date:  Sun Dec 17, 2000  10:06 am

Subject:  Conceptual framework: DD & its travelling companions

Here is a quick map of my understanding of this field.  A full map would
be hundreds of pages, so please don't expect this to be a complete
framework.

For brevity I state the following without qualification, as if they
were  facts - but all the following is only my opinion and I am not
expecting anyone to agree with me.  By all means discuss this framework
on the list.

The following will also help people understand how I currently see
things and the reasons behind the current scope of the list.

Please don't write to the list about the scope of the list - either for
or against the current arrangements.  Write to me or the moderators - or
start your own "1HDDirection" (my suggested name) list and invite list
members to join.
 

The Harmony Goals

Members of this list share common goals for ourselves, our partners and
our relationships, including:

1 - Maximising harmony - whist realising that different people have
    different ideas of what harmony is.  Harmony encompasses maximising
    many good things and minimising many bad things, some of which are
    listed below.

2 - Improving communication.

3 - Being our best selves - ourselves and our partners. (Of course each
    of these could be expanded out into more and more detail.)

4 - Being responsible and trustworthy.

5 - Helping our partners and ourselves feel secure.

6 - Avoiding attitudes and behaviours which are dangerous, hurtful etc.

7 - Being confident and motivated to achieve individual and shared
    goals.

etc.
 
 

Domestic Discipline - DD

Domestic Discipline (DD) is an approach to helping people stop bad
behaviours, to develop better behaviours and attitudes and to be their
best self.  It can also improve motivation and provide feelings of
security and being well loved and cared for.  By demonstrating that the
in-charge person is indeed in-charge, and is willing and able to deal
decisively with any threat to the relationship, including the failures
and occasional blasts of contrary stuff from his or her partner, the
partner feels safer and has a greater respect for the in-charge
partner.  (This could of course turn into an essay . . . )

DD typically involves agreements / rules, and formal, unpleasant
consequences for breaking them.  These are typically punishments of
various kinds, but also include other consequences such as knowing that
a formal promise of better behaviour has been broken.

In the late 20th century, arrangements involving any kind of punishment,
rules etc. were disparaged and judged in an over simplistic manner which
ignored some important distinctions.

"Power", "discipline", "punishment" and any kind of sharp painful blow
to the posterior were equated with exploitative and dangerous selfish
behaviour - often with direct parallels to domestic violence, Nazism and
other flavours of totalitarianism.  (Meanwhile, many positive, typically
masculine, human qualities were portrayed as dysfunctional.)

These decades of false thinking and "politically correct" suppression of
thinking and discussion made it very difficult to discuss DD and greatly
reduced the number of people who practised it.  Quite a few of those who
did practice it felt alone and wondered whether they were mad or bad.
Now that the Internet provides a method by which birds of a feather can
discuss things anonymously and without editorial controls or government
censorship, many of us are using this exchange to help us re-discover
important truths about humanity and how to use, or overcome, these
previously neglected aspects of ourselves in order to live a better
life.

While DD is theoretically possible without punishment, and while there
are many other punishments than spanking - it seems that spanking plays
a prominent role in many people's experience and desires in this field.

One definition of DD would add that the purpose of DD is not pleasure,
especially erotic pleasure - but harmony, better selves etc. as I tried
to encompass in the "Harmony Goals" above.   But this definition allows
for some erotic pleasures and other benefits as a by-product of DD.

Some people claim that DD has no erotic connections - but I don't
believe them!  Some of those who denied - or (as it can later be seen)
feared admitting to - erotic feelings regarding discipline and
punishment were pleasantly surprised when they did pursue eroticism in
playful chastisements, whilst finding that their disciplinary
arrangements were not weakened at all.

In summary, DD is a means to an end: the "Harmony Goals".  We are not
involved in DD because we like being punishes or being punished.  DD may
involve erotic emotions, but we would still pursue it if it did not
because for certain couples, for certain problems, we don't know of any
better approaches.
 
 

DD's Travelling Companions

There are many other approaches to achieving the "Harmony Goals" - the
goals which we intend DD to help us achieve.  Most of these approaches
are well known and non-contentious - such as talking, kissing, cuddling,
being honest, looking after the partner, remaining faithful and so
forth.
 

Here are some of what I call the "travelling companions" of DD - those
practices which are aimed at achieving the same goals, and have some
connection to DD.  Like DD, these are all contentious according to
general social theories, so at present there is a need to discuss and
explore them as we do DD, furtively and in a way which is only known to
those who share our interests.

1 - Directly erotic fun-and-games with spanking, bondage and other
    discipline- or punishment-like activities.  (This description alone
    includes all sorts of things, including what is generally referred
    to as BDSM - but there is a major debate about to what extent some
    of these practices, with some people at least, actually do achieve
    harmony.)

    By "directly erotic" I mean people often combine this with
    lovemaking and the like - and they do so knowingly and deliberately
    planning for the entire ensemble of activities to be pleasurable and
    arousing and satisfying for both partners, even if there are a few
    moments of regret after a painful whack on the tail etc.

    Note that I believe eroticism plays a central role in pair bonding,
    romance, togetherness, intimacy etc. and so is often a vital
    ingredient in life.  So I think for most loving relationships
    eroticism is an essential - vital directly or indirectly for
    achieving all the "Harmony Goals".  I specifically reject the guilt
    which religions and others have associated with sexuality.
 

2 - Practices such as my "Therapeutic Spanking" arrangement,
    which may not be directly erotic in terms of arousal, lovemaking,
    orgasm etc. but which are pleasant for both partners, and which
    help achieve the harmony goals.
 

3 - Ritualistic, rhythmic practices such as those Elliot proposed
    recently - AKA "maintenance spankings" and the like.
 

4 - No doubt some other things too.
 

Perusing anything primarily for short-term erotic sensation may have
lasting benefits, but may also lead to trouble and treating other people
in ways which upset or harm them.   Intense erotic feelings are
addictive and irrational and can lead to actions which are regretted in
the long term.  Following extreme, erotically charged fantasies can lead
the person to do or have done to them considerable physical and
emotional damage.  Pursuing or being driven by erotic impulses can occur
without the person being aware they are acting for erotic reasons.  A
common instance of this is a punisher or recipient of punishment who
denies any erotic connection, but who nonetheless experiences erotic
pleasure from these activities, and pursues them in ways which maximise
this pleasure, and so in ways which may be completely contrary to the
goals which a disciplinary arrangement should have.

So while many things which are good for loving relationships do involve
erotic elements, directly or in a longer-term sense, not everything
which is erotic is good for the partners or the relationship.
 

Points 1, 2 and 3 above are not "DD" in the way "DD" is generally
understood on this list.  They share the following characteristics with
DD - characteristics which are not generally found in the many
non-contentious approaches to achieving harmony.

1 - A central aspect of these approaches is that they feel like, or in
    a way pretend to be (but not seriously) a disciplinary arrangement,
    complete with constraint, being subject to anther's decision,
    having to accept punishment - and of course the prominent use of
    chastisement which resembles corporal punishment.

2 - Like DD, they are not currently accepted by currently popular social
    theories.  So we have to discuss them only amongst those with a
    specialist interest in these practices.

3 - They may play a complimentary role with DD - that is, the
    combination of DD and the "Travelling Companion" approach has
    greater overall benefits than the sum of the benefits of the two
    approaches used in isolation.

    For instance, the availability of play, therapeutic or regular
    ritual spankings means that a person can or will be spanked without
    them doing any wrong.  In the absence of any such arrangement,
    a person subject to a DD framework who *wanted* (consciously or not)
    to be spanked, would therefore have a tendency to behave badly and
    damage the harmony we all want to achieve.
 

For all these three reasons, I have chosen to include these subjects in
the scope of this list.  I am not saying they *are* DD as we normally
define it.  I am not saying that we discuss any "play spanking"
arrangement at all - just those which we believe bring lasting benefits
to the couple according to our goals of harmony etc.
 

Some list members feel like this list is a haven from the rabid,
shallow, insincere or self-deceptive discussion of various spanking,
chastisement, etc., activities on other forums.  (There must be
thousands of Net forums - there are 876 on eGroups which mention
"spanking".  My impression is that a lot of them contain little or no
discussion of the type we value at 1HD.)

By focusing on personal responsibility and (before I became list owner)
by consciously avoiding much discussion of erotic aspects of DD and its
travelling companions, this list defined a place free from discussion
which promotes many things we consider irresponsible and at odds with
harmony.  (For instance "bratting", and purportedly disciplinary
arrangements which, in truth, existed primarily to satisfy short-term
erotic desires of one or both participants.)

Some list members may fear that in opening the list scope like this that
I am devaluing discussion of DD - but I am not.  I am broadening the
scope and I promise that the list will not degenerate into a discussion
of activities which exist primarily or solely for erotic purposes.
(There's nothing wrong with most of those activities - but there are
other places to discuss them and each list needs to have a certain
focus.)
 

Please discuss this "conceptual framework" constructively - that is, if
you don't like it, propose something better or suggest some changes to
it.   Please do *not* discuss the direction or scope of this list on the
list!  Write to me and the moderators, or if you want to discuss it on a
list, start your own list!  http://groups.yahoo.com/

   - Mr Fondman