Fondly and Firmly - the Gentlemanly Art of Spanking the Woman you Love
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Home Page for the 1HouseholdDiscipline discussion list 

Mr Fondman  Last update 2 May 2002

Warning! If you are a child or are easily offended, then none of the material on this site is for you. So please leave by clicking on one of these links: www.yahoo.com or www.google.com .


The 1HouseholdDiscipline discussion list, at Yahoo Groups, was founded in January 2000 by Vicki Blue.  In October 2000 she gave the list to me and I moderated it with several women co-moderators until the end of April 2002.  Then, I closed the list to further discussions.  The list archives remain as a resource to original and new list members, and the discussions now take place on a new list, DisciplineandHarmony (see link on navigation bar above) which is run by Chani and Lucy, who were co-moderators of 1HouseholdDiscipline.

Membership of 1HouseholdDiscipline grew to over 2100, but I guess the active membership of readers and contributors at any one time numbered several hundred people.

There were about 4000 messages during the 18 months I ran 1HouseholdDiscipline. Apart from a period of off-topicness following the September 11 terrorist attacks, these messages are thoughtful contributions to fascinating and wide-ranging discussion of Domestic Discipline, playful and therapeutic spanking, relationship harmony etc.

Whereas Fondly and Firmly concerns only Male > Female DD, the 1HouseholdDiscipline list concerned all types of adult couples.  However, most of the discussion was about M > Female relationships.

Please join the list and browse and search the archives!

Please join and contribute to DisciplineandHarmony!


To join 1HouseholdDiscipline, you should first get a "Yahoo ID" which is associated with the email address which you want to use for 1HouseholdDiscipline.  You can get a "Yahoo ID" for free from: http://groups.yahoo.com - at the top left is a "Click to Register" link.  Your Yahoo ID and its password enable you to log into the Yahoo Groups web site, including the base page for 1HouseholdDiscipline:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/1HouseholdDiscipline
From there, you can join and view and browse the archives.   You will probably want to select "No email" but it hardly matters, since there are no new messages on this discussion list.
Some people have experienced delays in joining 1HouseholdDiscipline.  If this happens to you, this is a Yahoo Groups glitch which does not seem to resolve itself.  You should be able to join and leave instantly.  When you join from the home page (see instructions below) you enter a few details on another page and then you will see the main page again.  If text at the top right says "Pending Member" then the Yahoo Groups system will leave you pending indefinitely, as far as I know.  I don't know what is wrong with the Yahoo Groups system, but it may be related to problems with AOL's non-standard way of doing things, and so only affect AOL customers.  If your membership is pending, rather than immediate, then write to me at the address mentioned at ../contact/ and I will add your address directly to the list   You can always unsubscribe from your My Groups page: http://groups.yahoo.com/mygroups .


Here are some parts of the original 1HouseholdDiscipline home page.   For historical purposes, you may wish to view the old homepage.  Please type add  "index-old.html" to the current URL and press Enter.

Until I became list owner, 1HouseholdDiscipline's official policy was to focus only on non-erotic discipline - thus excluding some other things which are now within the scope of the list.

The scope now includes what might be called "play" and "therapeutic" spanking and the lighter-hearted, beneficial, complementary role these can play alongside a serious disciplinary arrangement.  Further down this page you will find a more formal definition of what is allowed on this list and what is not.

The focus of this list is "Domestic Discipline" ("DD") among intelligent, responsible adults in loving relationships . . . or at least those who aspire to be responsible!  While most members are involved in heterosexual relationships, with the woman most often seeking disciplinary guidance ("M->F"), we are interested in discussing the underlying principles.  List members are welcome to discuss other arrangements, such as "F->M", "F<->M" and discipline within same-sex couples.  Some relationships involve a third person - or perhaps even one couple disciplining another couple.  To the extent that these arrangements are discussed, please ensure that the discussion is related to the benefits it brings to the primary relationship of the couple - directly, or indirectly, by the disciplined partner being happier and/or more self-aware.

This is not a list for insecure men who think submissive women shouldn't have a voice.  It is a list for strong men (and women) who are prepared to give firm guidance and discipline to spirited, self-assured women (or men!).  It is not a list for women who feel believe submission means deferring to just any man - or that discipline is a magic cure which means they don't have to work hard to be the woman they want to be.  "Submission" is a term often associated with Domestic Discipline, but some couples do not think of "submission" at all.  Instead, they emphasize being a partnership, with each partner placing themselves in the care of the other.   Many people who want to be subject to a disciplinary framework do not consider themselves "submissive", just as many who are prepared to take the responsibility of providing such a framework do not regard themselves as "dominant".

This is not a list for people who call themselves "Master . . . " etc. or who "own" or are "owned by" their partners.  The discipline of children is out of scope, except to the extent which childhood experience is relevant to the discussion of adult relationships.

The discussions on this list are aimed at achieving a higher goal - harmony - which may be defined differently by different couples.  If your approach to harmony is self-centred, and not based on taking pleasure in contributing to other people's lives, then you will find this discussion perplexing!

No censorship will be exercised of strong, thought-provoking opinions - provided they are within the scope of the list. (But see the note below on imposters, inconsistent and fictional messages.) Criticising IDEAS on this list is allowed - but only if you provide a better alternative.  Attacking list members (or other individuals or groups of people) personally is not allowed.  Nor is it allowable to unconstructively criticise what you believe are their personality, attitudes or weaknesses.  Discussion must be respectful and constructive: if you criticise an idea, be sure to state clearly what would be better and why.  Be wary of assuming you know the attitude or intentions of other list members.  It is a good idea to clearly state your understanding of an idea you are criticising, to avoid pointless argument if your understanding is incorrect.  

While this field of Domestic Discipline can generate some strong emotions, it is vital that all contributions to this discussion help people understand your position, and that any disagreement you have is stated in a respectful manner.   This doesn't mean you have to pretend to like all or any list members - or agree with them.  It means that what you write should not discourage other people from contributing.  Therefore your criticisms should be of what another person writes - not of their personal integrity.

As with most DD forums, the majority of active participants are communicative women.  But the indications from the membership list are that the mix of males and females is about even.

In taking responsibility for this list in mid-October 2000, at the request of its founder - Vicki Blue http://www.vickiblue.com , I agreed to her request:

The only thing I would ask is that you continue my
emphasis on personal responsibility in promoting DD as
a *real* alternative for couples provided they are *both*
committed to upholding their end of the bargain. He
should be loyal, honest, honourable and just and she
should be as equally committed to abiding by the rules
as he is in enforcing them. Too often women want a guy
to just punish them without putting forth the appropriate
effort to abide by the rules they both agreed on. Also, I
do hope you will continue your wonderful message that
not all punishment need be spanking. I'd hate to see the
list turn "spankocentric" when DD is about so much more.
The Scope of this List

From about October 2001, our list came under attack from one or perhaps more persons unknown, posting messages under a variety of identities.  This person evidently has access to multiple computers - possibly by exploiting security vulnerablities (ie, "hacking").  This makes it impossible to use IP addresses or other technical methods to identify new messages or email addresses used by this or any other imposter.   These fraudulent messages have damaged the discussions on this list and wasted a great deal of time.  Common threads in a lot of these messages were erratic inconsistencies, opposition to DD and a fascination with the use of the belt.   After a while, the inconsistencies proved the author was lying at least in part, so I banned each email address from the list.  I also received a number of email directly from other addresses, pretending to be other individuals, but these were clearly the work of the same person.

We moderators cannot entirely prevent the use of the list by impostors - because we like to trust and give the benefit of the doubt to all list members, and because it may take a while for the inconsistencies to become evident.   List members - if you suspect any such rot (an imposter or fiction passed off as fact) please write to me personally and not to the list.

To help list members recognise messages in the archives which are from email addresses I later decided were used by impostors (or at least people who wrote with such contradictions that as far as I could tell, they were no better than impostors), here are the names and the first few characters of the email addresses which the moderators believe have been used for fraudulent messages, with the dates and message numbers for my announcement to the list of banning these addresses from the list.  

Novi / Mandy            novi... } 12 Jan 2002    7191
Witness              witness... }

John Waterhouse    curiousjo...   26 Jan 2002    7279

Becca              illinoisw...   12 Feb 2002    7397

While the discussions which messages from these addresses prompted may at times have been valuable, these messages wasted a great deal of valuable time and energy.  

Where's the FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)?

Except for the following there isn't a 1HouseholdDiscipline FAQ.  Please spend an hour or two reading recent archived messages before writing to the list.  The archives have a search function which is best for single words - and may return multiple pages of links to messages.

There is a recurrent pattern of women joining the list and asking for assistance in bringing their husband up to speed as spanking gentlemen.  This is fine, but there can be problems when the man is not interested and the woman is insistent that the only solution to their relationship difficulties is for him to become a harsh disciplinarian and so to give her no option but to behave as a reasonable adult.  In order to save list members from giving much the same pep talk to such women who ask for advice on turning a reluctant man into a stern disciplinarian (and we generally suggest playful spanking first, along with good behavior and lots of discussion ), here is some guidance, in FAQ 2 below,  for someone considering writing to the list with such a request.  This really is a Frequently Asked Question!

FAQ 1

What does "DH", "LOL", "SO" etc. mean?

These are acronyms.  Acronyms can be communicative or confusing - not everyone understands them.  There are common acronyms which are in general use.  The only one's which are encouraged on 1HD are those in green:
BTW
 By The Way.
FYI
 For Your Information.
FWIW
 For What It's Worth.
IMHO
 In My Humble Opinion.  Also IMNSHO - In My Not So Humble Opinion.
LOL
 Laughing Out Loud  (often overused, I think - when people are actually just chuckling or smiling - better to use a smiley such as  :) or "<smiles>". ).
OTOH
 On The Other Hand.


ROTFL
 Rolling On The Floor Laughing (another over-used one!).
TIA
 Thanks In Advance.
YMMV
 Your Mileage May Vary.

There are some Domestic Discipline (and BDSM - D/s) acronyms which are commonly used and allowable on this list:

DD
 Domestic Discipline - the subject of this discussion list.  There is no formal definition.
DH
 Dear Husband or Darling Husband.
D/s
 Dominance/submission.  (Like BDSM, a widely recognised to adult sexual/romantic relations.  Definitions are difficult, but some people who identify with D/s and/or BDSM also identify with DD as understood on this list.)
BDSM
 Bondage Discipline Sado Masochism.  (Definitions are difficult, but DD is not a game, does not necessarily involve bondage or masochism and certainly does not involve sadism.)
SO
 Significant Other - a generic term for long-term romantic partner, whether married or not, but more often when not married.
1HD
 1HouseholdDiscipline - this discussion list.

The term "bratting" refers to a person deliberately hurting or annoying their partner in order to provoke a disciplinary response.

FAQ 2

If you are a woman (or a man) who is extremely frustrated, and convinced that the answer to all your and your husband's/(wife's)/Significant Other's problems lies in them becoming extraordinarily competent and vigorous disciplinarians, and giving you the strict rules and harsh punishment you are convinced you need in order to behave as a reasonable adult, then please don't write to the list without:

1 - Trying to see this from your partner's point of view - how they may not thrill to the work and responsibility of being a disciplinarian, and indeed may be alarmed or repulsed by it.  (Some people do come to grips with it with a certain relish . . .   Some come up to speed after a great deal of thought and cautious experimentation taking weeks or months - surprising their partners who had become convinced that such a transformation was impossible.)


2 - Read all the following messages where people such as yourself have asked the list for help in changing their partners, without (I believe) adequately seeking to change themselves or communicate properly first.
    These links point to the most significant initial messages and responses in threads where a person asked for help in turning their partner into a serious disciplinarian, whilst at the same time (to my mind) not doing all they could to improve themselves and ensure harmony without unpleasantness.  Be sure to read other related messages at the same time - there are many valuable contributions in addition to the key ones I list here:


    • A woman frustrated with her husband's lack of disciplinary response to her deliberate "testing":  
      http://groups.yahoo.com/group/1HouseholdDiscipline/messages/6468

      Please at least read the responses by Gigi, Lucy and me.  This discussion diverged into problems faced by men wanting to introduce DD to non-inclined women, (message 6485 ) and in a thankfully light-hearted (and entirely appropriate) vein with one gent stating (6475 ) "ladies often finds it helps them to behave if they are wearing a pair of panties that the Head Of the Household likes to see." and with me writing (6477 ) to encourage women to make the most of their femininity, especially in how they dress. Note that on 18 February 2002, I reluctantly decided that we could not handle more messages from this person (see note above ). 
3 - Then, think long and hard about what you are asking of your partner.  If you write to the list asking for help with changing the ways of your partner, be sure to tell us in detail what you have done to change your own ways first - and how you two have worked to resolve your problems as much as possible without recourse to punishments and other unpleasant aspects of externally applied discipline.
Within the limits of respecting personal privacy, it is also a good idea to tell us what problems you think your partner has in being good themselves. Often a couple at an impasse have genuine frustrations with each other, in addition to those which are created as a result of the impasse and its typical heightening of tensions and diminution of communication.  

Please also discuss any reasons they may have for being particularly reluctant to administer discipline and punishment - such as a cruel, traumatic childhood, or experiences as an adult which make them more than usually repelled by the idea of dominating, policing, judging, and punishing anyone.